I QUIT!

I can do whatever I want as long as I choose me.

This one is going to be a long one, but necessary. While I do not need to give any further explanation to why I made the decision to close my brick and mortar, I am going to do so anyway, because I can do whatever I want. 

1. Quitting relationships: The break up that shaped me

I have not had many romantic long term relationships in my life, I have had countless lovers, situationships, you name it, but relationships, only about 3 (I don’t count one as real but it was longer than three months so yeah..). One particular relationship I would like to speak about, let’s just call him Omar. Omar and I were together for 3,5 years. I was 19 and he was 21 when we started dating seriously, but we already knew each other for 3 years prior. This was my first “adult relationship” and the relationship that I thought would last forever. We had an interesting run, we lived together, shared responsibilities, resources, and even adopted my dog Walter together. I was young, but I was “sure” I did not need anything else, I was building my family in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment on Riverside Drive in Harlem. 

Walter and I on Riverside Drive 2016

That was until I was not sure. Things took a turn as I was transitioning out of college and seeing the world and also the world seeing me. I quit my job to pursue studying full time for the last year, and when I was struggling for money I went back into the workforce in my first hospitality job. I was working a lot and meeting new people, and took a job as a cocktail waitress. It was actually when I learned that I was perceived as attractive. Night after night people, specifically cis men, desired me in a way that was so new to me, in a way that I had never experienced in my relationship. As I continued to work and balance my responsibilities and came into a new confidence, my relationship with Omar began to atrophy. I began demanding the life that others desperately wanted to offer me. It was more than the drinks after work and the snarky flirting, I wanted more for my life. 

So, I quit. I moved out, and fell into the deepest depression that I could not get out of for an entire year. Still trying to graduate school and keep my job, I really did not know how to navigate my life anymore. I was in crisis mode, and when it came time for me to move out of my apartment after graduation, I could not afford Harlem anymore. I moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn, and for the first time I was really on my own. 

The BIG CHOP, October 2016

Like a lot of people after a break-up, I was craving a radical transformation. I cut all my hair off, and dyed it red. I remember looking at myself after getting home from the barber who fought me when I advocated for what I wanted, tiny hairs still on my cheeks and nose, and feeling absolutely stunning. I started staring at my face, my nose, my ears, seeing my skin. I saw myself. From that day on, I went on a 3 year self discovery journey. I was running the streets of Brooklyn, became a single dog mom after a longish battle of puppy custody, started coloring my hair, tattooing my skin, meeting new people, some good, some, not so good. Finding myself at parties, places, dates, situationships, I was doing whatever I wanted, whenever, and the feeling was addicting, the feeling of being on my own and choosing myself for the very first time. 

WIlliamsburg, Brooklyn 2017

2. Quitting NYC: The move that changed my life

Bushwick Brooklyn. 2017

I get asked almost every day over the last 5 years, why I would ever leave NYC. I mean it’s “the greatest city in the world.” Why would I leave? Or rather, why not? One day I came home from working my tireless job, that provided me with the money for my basic needs and a little extra, (heavy on little), an awful commute home, and I threw my back against the wall of my rented room shortly after closing the door, looked down at Walter, and said to myself, “my life has got to be better than this,” At the time I did not fully understand my worth, but saying those words out loud, made me think, maybe I do have value. 

Two weeks later with a so-called friend, we will call Emma, I tripped acid for the first time. It was a low dose and when I finally felt lucid enough, I took a walk around Brooklyn. At the time I was living close to the border of Queens, where I grew up, and I still remember the overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. “I did it” I whispered to Emma, “I was born here, loved first here, had my first steps here, my first job here, my first kiss here, my first everything right here, in the greatest city in the world, I did it, and now I think I am done.” I was 22 years old, and my NYC was pushing me out.

Plenty of people will disagree with what I am about to say, but one thing about NYC is that it is a city that gives absolutely nothing back, you can pour your heart, your art, your life, and your work into it; it takes it and circulates it, it pumps that energy in the heart of the city, creates a humming cadence of walking, being out, and being in, but, there is no return on your investments, only what you decide to take back. It is what makes the city so beautiful, but also so incredibly hard to fill your cup. NYC takes. It takes your mental health, it takes your time with endless commuting, and given the ongoing project of gentrification it can even take away your home, my home.

My family home since the 80’s

I hate when people talk about gentrification as it is something that “happens” rather than something that affects people's entire lives, often for the worse. Not only those who live there, and have for decades (like my entire family), but also people like me, young NYC natives. If gentrification wants young people to fill up the future of cities, where was my opportunity to do that? As gentrification began to pick up speed, the possibility of me planning my future in NYC began to fade. The possibility of owning a home became slim and the possibility of even renting to live alone with accessibility to work became even slimmer.

Long Island City, 2017

At the time, I lived in Brooklyn and worked in Brooklyn and my commute was more than an hour each way, because it was the only place I could afford. My life goals went from being successful in NYC to hoping I can stay in my flat in Brooklyn for a few more months. In the months leading up to my ultimate decision to leave, everything began to fall apart. My landlords transitioned into slumlords, my dog got fleas from my neighbors' neglected cats, I was forced to pick up more gigs to afford rent and food, and ultimately, I was so miserable and tired day in and day out. So I quit. One night I wrote down a bunch of places I could go to be happier, to have a fresh start, to, essentially get out of the endless swirl of hustle, and constantly being robbed of everything I worked so hard to build. I wanted to leave this place that was no longer familiar to me, leave this place where I no longer fit, and where I could no longer dream. I wanted to leave the place I have always known, because I knew the world is bigger than NYC and my life deserved so much more. Whoever is still left in that town are most likely not even from there, chasing dreams from Sex and The City, granted opportunities because of the privilege of their parents’ wealth, a wealth I was purposefully pushed out of building for myself and family. I really did not want any parts in the future of this NYC and I still mourn what will become the future of my family and friends who are still left, as so many had to relocate for a better life. 

So I quit NYC and I bought a one way ticket to Amsterdam.

Few hours after landing in Amsterdam, 2018

3. Quitting Planthood: The decision that allowed me peace, grace, and freedom to think bigger

When I started PLANTMOM I had no idea what I was doing, there was no grand plan, just me, mourning the recent passing of my dad, a couple plants I bought and this wild idea to make plants cool. I had no idea 5 years ago that I would have done ½ of what I have accomplished, it was just vibes and plants. I knew what I wanted to do but it seemed so far away. I used to bike around Amsterdam looking at buildings thinking, “one day they're going to hire me to build their plantscapes.” It seemed so out of reach I had to fake the part of actually believing that it was possible, even when it was literally happening, install after install. Day by day, email by email, workshop by workshop, I did more than what I set out to do. Including owning my own brick and mortar and becoming a prominent figure in the Amsterdam community, in less than 5 years. PLANTMOM, became me, my personal brand, and the brick and mortar, Planthood, was born out of it.

First opening day of Planthood

Planthood was my baby.  To this very day I cannot believe I made that shit happen and in that same breath, I cannot believe it is really gone. Even though I did the unthinkable, it did not shield me from the weight of responsibility. Running a business in a pandemic shattered me, I lost focus of what I wanted, my self-esteem plummeted, and living in a constant state of survival for 2.5 years, I really had nothing left. No ideas, no dreams, just transactions. Even when things opened back up, I wanted to believe that the joy would return, the spark, the creativity, and it did not. I could have continued, I know I would have been able to make it work, I just had absolutely no motivation to make it happen. So, just like my previous relationships with Omar, and NYC, I quit. Quitting Planthood sparked the joy I had been craving, because it was the first time since opening that I chose myself without guilt. When I did not open during store hours because I was depressed, tired or not in the mood, the guilt and shame was off the charts. It took me a while to really make the decision because I was so wrapped up in what other people would think, if they thought my business failed or rather, that I bit off more than I could chew. It was none of that, my life just had to get better than this. I deserved so much more. I had to quit, so that I could choose me again.

An overworked PLANTMOM at Planthood

 

I think what I have been trying to wrap my head around is the response. The response to choosing myself. The response of many folks who, despite knowing anything about my decision assume that I failed, or that my business was failing. When I announced the news, it was immediately met with folks assuming the worst, that I was leaving Amsterdam, or the most frustrating question: “What are you going to do?” It is almost as if people were waiting for me to fail. It took me a while, but now, I am aware that my existence as The PLANTMOM is abstract, and almost unimaginable. Even for me. I once said in a podcast, when explaining my early days of becoming PLANTMOM, “I just went to work with a watering can, I am a black girl from Southside Jamaica Queens, this is unimaginable for me (Plant Mom, Broccoli Talk, 2022)” – because for the longest time I was that, unimaginable, I still am for most people. Now I lean into it with the necessary boundaries, because quite frankly I imagine myself, I am real, I did the unthinkable before I even turned 30, I am 1 of 1. Even with the frustrations of constantly having to explain myself, “how I got into this,” why I moved here, how I moved here, or even if I had formal education [which I’ve concluded is just anti-black, you do not need formal education to pursue most things, and this information helps folks catergorize how someone like me gets to do something like this, hard stop.], I really am that girl, been that girl, and I always will be. I went from small plant workshops, to collaborations with Nike, Prada, Timberland, and L’Oreal. I’ve hosted hundreds of people in my workshops and corporate clients like Netflix and Booking.com. I’ve been featured in Vogue UK and NL, Cosmopolitan, Elle Decoration, and even held a cover in Het Parool PS before I was “instagram famous.” I was 24 when I shot for Kinfolk Garden with less than 3K followers, and at 28, I have single handedly done more in 5 years than what most people accomplish in their entire lifetime.

Me for The Kinfolk Garden

I want us to imagine something different when people want to change, especially young and small businesses. I want us to imagine the best possible outcome when people do what they need to do for themselves. Yes businesses fail, but choosing to quit should always be met with a “what’s next” instead of “what happened” or “what are you going to do” – What had happened was... I chose myself over the service for others, what had happened was... that I healed through so much over the last three years, and decided this did not serve my long term goals, what had happened was…

I did what I wanted to do, and what is going to happen next is, just that,

Whatever I want. 

I choose me.

I QUIT.

M